Five Common Signs of Low Emotional Intelligence

Are you accidentally ‘that person’ at work?

Years ago, I walked into an office where, instead of framed company values on the wall, there was just one large statement:

Don’t be a d***.

It was a quirky agency, so they got away with it.  The reason it stuck with me wasn’t the language, it was the simplicity of what it meant.

Most company values say things like:

Have integrity
Be professional
Be honest and open
Treat people with respect

Which, if we’re honest, is really just a more polished way of saying the same thing. If you’re not doing those things… you’re probably not being a decent human anyway. And that’s why that wall worked.  It cut through the corporate phrasing and got straight to the point.

And this is the thing…  most people who are difficult to work with don’t wake up thinking they’re difficult to work with – in fact they probably have no idea! Which brings me to a man and some lemon juice.

In the 1990s, a man robbed two banks in broad daylight without wearing a mask.  When he was arrested later that day, he was genuinely confused.  He had covered his face in lemon juice because he believed it would make him invisible to security cameras – which of course it didn’t!

Psychologists later studied cases like this and identified what’s now known as the Dunning-Kruger effect.  In simple terms, the people who lack skill in an area are often the least able to recognise that they lack it.  Look around you, it’s more prevalent than you think!

The same blind spot that creates the problem also hides it. So, when it comes to low emotional intelligence at work, that’s difficult and awkward. Because you almost need a certain level of emotional intelligence to recognise that you might need more emotional intelligence. If you’re low on self-awareness, you’re also less likely to notice that you’re low on self-awareness.

Brain explosion here…!!!  Bear with me.

We all have blind spots. The Johari Window explains it neatly:  there are things other people know about us that we don’t know about ourselves.  Part of us wants to uncover them but part of us would rather live in peaceful ignorance.

And we all know that person at work.  The one everyone tiptoes around.  The one whose behaviour is quietly discussed… but never directly addressed.

Imagine being that person. Imagine everyone knowing something about how you show up… except you. How devastating would that be if it were you?

It might not be someone else. But it could be you. Not deliberately or maliciously, just occasionally, unknowingly and humanly.

Here are five common signs of low emotional intelligence in the workplace. As you read I challenge you to think honestly whether you have ever done any of them? (I know I have)

1. You Think You’re “Just Being Direct”

You say things like, “I’m just being honest,” or “I don’t sugar-coat.” You genuinely believe that clarity and directness is kindness. But honesty doesn’t automatically equal kindness.

If you’ve ever watched ‘Come Dine With Me’ or ‘Four in a Bed’, (which I’ve binge-watched over the years and consider myself a guru on the topics…) You’ll know the type.  Hands up in the air, palms front-facing. “Look, I’m just being honest – I can’t help it if I’m just being honest” As if honesty gives them a free pass.

But it doesn’t.  Sometimes “just being honest” is simply being unfiltered, hurtful, selfish and unkind.

Kim Scott’s Radical Candor model is helpful here.  The quadrant we’re aiming for is Radical Candor – challenging directly because you care. What we don’t want is Obnoxious Aggression – challenging directly without the care part.

And let me repeat that as it’s so important.  Read these words carefully…  Radical candor is challenging because we care.  Sharing the important stuff (and maybe difficult stuff) somebody needs to hear because we care about them and feel it’s the kind thing to share. The difference is subtle but important.

Radical candor asks: is this helpful?  Is this the right moment?  Am I saying this for them, or for me?

Low emotional intelligence often hides behind the idea of honesty.  Being clear is powerful.  Being kind and clear is EQ leadership in action.

2. You Send the Email Instead of Having the Conversation

Every Thursday, Brian brings egg sandwiches in and eats them at his desk.

By lunchtime, half the office is quietly complaining.  Someone eventually mentions it to HR. The following week, a company-wide email appears reminding everyone to be considerate about strong-smelling food in shared spaces.

Everyone knows it’s about Brian.

And here’s the thing. Brian probably knows it’s about Brian too once he reads the email.  And now he knows everyone else knows it’s about him too.

The issue feels like it’s been “dealt with” – an email has gone out and a process has been followed. HR has intervened, so on paper, it looks managed.

Low emotional intelligence often hides here. In the belief that we’ve handled something because we’ve avoided the uncomfortable bit.  We skirt around the edges, escalate sideways and get someone else to fix it. That isn’t emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence would have meant reading the situation properly.  Recognising that Brian probably has no idea how pungent those sandwiches are.  Thinking about his feelings as well as everyone else’s. And then having a quiet, respectful word. Slightly awkward, perhaps. But fair and kinder than an anonymous policy reminder that leaves him guessing.

3. Silence Feels Like Agreement

I once worked on a leadership programme where we ran a 360-degree feedback process. One participant scored almost ten out of ten across the board from his team. He was delighted. “Well, they clearly love me,” he said. “That confirms it.”

But having spent a few days observing him, it became clear that things weren’t quite as rosy as the feedback suggested. He did most of the talking.  When he asked for input, the room nodded but no one really challenged him – no one raised concerns.

On paper, it looked like alignment. In reality, it was compliance. His team hadn’t felt safe enough to be fully honest in the feedback.  They’d ticked the boxes they thought he wanted ticked. They’d nodded in meetings because it was easier than pushing back. And he genuinely believed that silence meant agreement.

I’ve seen this many times over the years.  Leaders who feel confident that “my team love me” or “we’re totally aligned”, when what’s actually happening is much quieter.  There’s no challenge, no tension and no real debate.

Low emotional intelligence at work can look like mistaking a lack of noise for a lack of problems. High emotional intelligence asks a harder question: is this real agreement, or just polite silence? Because if no one ever disagrees with you, you’re either a miracle… or you’ve created an environment where disagreement doesn’t feel safe.

4. You’re Frequently Surprised by Reactions

You give feedback and think you’ve been perfectly reasonable. They don’t.

You send what feels like a neutral message. It lands with impact.

If you often find yourself saying, “That’s not what I meant,” it might be worth exploring what you did mean — and how it came across.

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about intent. It’s about impact.

5. You Think Using AI Means You’re Clever

I see this a lot at the moment. Leaders saying, with a bit of swagger, “Oh yes, I use AI all the time. It’s brilliant.” And when you look closer, what that means is: it writes their emails.

AI drafts a difficult message.  It sounds confident, polished and impressively reasonable. You paste it in, tweak a line or two and hit send.  But you’ve skipped the emotional work.

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about sending something that reads well.  It’s about judging whether it’s right for this person, at this moment, in this relationship. AI can support your thinking but it can’t replace your judgement.

Low emotional intelligence says, “That’ll do.” Higher emotional intelligence asks, “Is this actually how I want this to land?”

Finally, Before You Forward This to Someone Else…

It’s very tempting to read something like this and think, “I know exactly who needs to see this.”

Just pause a second. We all have blind spots.  That’s not a character flaw. it’s called being human.

The Johari Window calls it the unknown area for a reason.  There are things other people experience about us that we can’t see for ourselves.  Part of us is curious about what’s there but part of us would rather leave it alone.

I work with my husband, and every so often he says, “Can I just give you some feedback, Catherine?” My immediate response is, “No.” Usually accompanied by nervous laughter. Because I know I’m about to hear something I don’t particularly want to hear.  And yet, that’s probably exactly why I need to hear it.

Emotional intelligence isn’t about being perfect – in fact it’s about being okay with not being perfect and knowing where you aren’t.  It’s about being willing to look into that blind spot occasionally.  It’s about reading the room properly, asking for feedback and staying in the conversation when it would be easier to defend yourself.

If you’d like a more structured way to reflect on your own emotional intelligence at work, you can explore our short self-assessment here.  And if you want a deeper dive into EQ as a leader you can find out more in our guide here.

And as for Brian?

Maybe next Thursday he eats his egg sandwich in the kitchen. And maybe that’s a small win for everyone.